I was very excited to share with blog readers that I was thrilled to be in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I appreciate that so many people were rooting for us. Sadly, it has not worked out. I record this entry simply because this blog generally does reflect major happenings in my life. However, it’s not appropriate for me to elaborate.
The mere notion that I think finding a fix for my WordPress problem is post-worthy demonstrates how minimal my aggregate technical knowledge is.
I’ve got an ever-expanding mass of stuff that I just don’t know. Half a lifetime ago, I had loads of potential to do something…who knows what that could’ve been.
I walk around with the weight of the…well, my world on my back. Opportunities lost. Self unchallenged. Undone by hypersensitivity, unrequited romantic zeal, and depression-induced paralyis. Year after year, the story remains virtually unchanged. The calendar flips. The animals are a little older. My kidneys lose a bit more function on the journey to survival through artificial means.
This is writing at 1:02AM, when I have been trying to focus my mind on the reasons why I am prone to feelings of self-loathing. I’m barely scratching the surface right now. It may be quite inappropriate for me to further brainstorming in front of this audience.
Three simply reasons for self-loathing today, May 28, 2010:
Too much info for a blog posting.
Toastiest the blog…is what it is…
God, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Whatever…I am very lucky to have a remarkably supportive girlfriend in my life right now. K deserves a shout-out.
Functioning with so much self-loathing is a gigantic task.
I am pleased to proclaim that, for the past 16 days, I have been dating a fantastic woman. Wow, even I’ve found someone! Perhaps the world really is ending in 2012.
Now, I don’t plan to do much blogging about this relationship. I feel enough pressure as things are to be the good guy she deserves without feeling like I owe the Reader anything here. I’ve already screwed up at least once, but fortunately she has at least a small supply of patience.
It’s rare to find me happy. But she has made me happy a healthy amount over the past 16 days. She says the sweetest things to me which make me feel like ten times the person I was before I met her. She’s so much fun to be around that I even had fun at a fashion show benefit. I’m very attracted to her. She’s simply an extraordinary woman. And I’m very grateful to have her in my life right now.
Don’t write an ex-girlfriend to see how she’s doing, and explicitly ask about the “great guy” she mentioned last year when you last exchanged emails. Don’t do this when you KNOW that you’re going to be shattered when she tells you that she’s engaged to marry him later this year.
Also, don’t then look up your ex-girlfriend on theknot.com, even if you are going to find her and her fiancé’s entry password-protected so that you can’t actually read the syrupy how-they-met story or how-he-proposed story.
Because you’re still going to learn the fiancé’s name, and you’re going to go search Flickr for their first names together, and since one has a fairly uncommon name, you’re going to actually find pictures of them. And the pictures are going to belong to the Flickr account of a wedding photographer, who takes extremely romantic photos of couples for the purpose of engagement announcements meant to makes families and friends of the couples gush with joy.
Don’t do any of this.
The most agonizing aspect of my life is not being on dialysis.
It’s not PKD discomfort.
It’s not an unfulfilling career.
It’s not a hopelessly disheveled home.
It’s not elusive financial security.
The most agonizing aspect of my life is that I am alone, and I recognized many years ago that I was not going to have a successful journey through this life if I remained alone. My most important objective for as long as I can remember was to find a girl to shower with adoration, who would accept my flaws and somehow love me back. I am reducing this goal to a hokey cliché. I think I could’ve said this more elegantly ten or fifteen years ago.
Someone’s going to tell me that I’ll meet someone when “the time is right”. Someone’s going to tell me some drivel about needing to be okay with myself before I can find someone else. Someone’s going to tell me to focus on my health, that I shouldn’t worry so much about other matters.
Life is so damn fleeting, to use another hokey cliché (well, hokey if I don’t throw the “damn” in there). It’s already March. I’ve already been on dialysis for six months. All I have accomplished in the past six months is surviving dialysis. I’ve got to do a lot better than that. I really don’t feel like I’ve done anything productive since my February 2008 kidney stone that led to an annoying preoccupation with health health issues that’s been pretty much non-stop since. But “annoying” is really all that’s it’s been. These health issues should NOT be precluding me from HAVING A LIFE. (caps lock time). I CANNOT AFFORD FOR THESE HEALTH ISSUES TO GET IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING. TIME WILL JUST VANISH BEFORE ME. TIME DOESN’T CARE IF I’LL BE HARD-PRESSED TO ACCOMPLISH GOALS UNTIL I CAN GET MYSELF A NEW KIDNEY.
So the #1 goal is still to meet someone. But I don’t do any activities that allow me to meet anyone new. I am part of the 24/7 party that is Match.com, but I am almost completely passive on it. I’m a wreck whenever I do try to communicate with anyone. I can’t even answer the question. “What do you enjoy doing,” because I don’t have any clue anymore, because I DON’T DO ANYTHING.
The best part of my week is on a Saturday or Sunday morning when I stay in bed, getting far more sleep than I need, because everytime I wake up, I see my CAT curled up next to me, and I feel a complete lack of stress and sense of comfort lying NEXT TO MY CAT. And that keeps me in bed until noon or later. A Google search of “pathetic” ought to come right to this post and to this very paragraph.
I’m off on a bit of tangent now, am I not? I know this whole entry is completely unsuitable for publication, given that I’m horrified to think of what some who read this will make of this. And then I’m reminded of a recent quote I read.
Low self-esteem involves imagining the worst that other people can think about you.
– Roger Ebert
Apparently, chick digs confidence, but it’s easy to see why they don’t dig me, considering I can never, even more a short while, block out any thoughts of what others are thinking of me. Just a for a day, or a week, I’d love to be consumed with the delusion of my own greatness. I’d just like to see what that’s like.
Being “authentic”, which is a nice way that some have referred to my addictive self-deprecation and inability to feign positivity, hasn’t yielded beneficial results.
Comments are really off on this entry. I say I’ll do that sometimes, but I forget. Can’t stop FB comments, I suppose. I don’t have the balls to make this a two-way conversation. This was just my therapy for the evening.