Let me take a stab at some public journal writing. Pre-Ambien. But total stream-of-consciousness. If I notice I have paused for more than five seconds, I’ll have to force myself to keep going.
The last post was a trainwreck. My adventures with Medicare really aren’t that interesting, especially when there are many far more critical things going on.
I’m writing at the moment as a brain-dump to try to feel as if I’ve done something productive tonight, as I’ve done no such thing tonight, or all day, really.
I’ve been obsessing over the usual what-do-I-do-with-my-life question, which is far more difficult to answer than (I feel like) anyone can understand. It’s not as simple as figuring out what I like to do. Or what interests me. Or what… Bottom-line, is that I don’t even know what I like to do. I do even know what interests me. Sure, you do, you might say. No, I (feel as if I) really don’t.
Further schooling is something I look into year after year after year. It’s always a dead-end. Of course, this, the fall, is really the time to be doing this thinking if I were to have any interest in some graduate program that started in Fall 2013. Wow, that is…so far off. Again, I’ve had the same discussion with myself every year. “It’s never too late…” No, it is…ok, I need to stop saying these things that someone might try to argue with me on. That’s not my intention here…let me get to my point…
I only wrote a couple of brief paragraphs surrounding the whole grad school saga I undertook earlier this year. I was just thinking about that earlier…how I never got closure around it. I had registered on this school’s website back in Decemeber 2011 for an online program. Then I had spent a month or two strongly considering a graduate program at a local university before backing away from it for…a couple of reasons that I won’t get into…
And then I returned to this other school’s program. In the meantime, I had spent a month studying for the GRE and did take it late in January 2012. I did well. I eventually did apply to that online grad program…wrote my statement, got recommendations…
And I got in. I got in to grad school. Sounds terrific! But it wasn’t. It’s still puzzling that no one ever contacted me to ask, “Do you plan on registering for classes? Are you even interested in this program anymore?” Like I said a few months ago, their acceptance process and subsequent silence told me what I needed to know to not bother to try to figure out how to come up with $4,000 for one online course with a private university’s school of continuing studies.
I never did mention that school by name. I don’t want a Google search coming back to my blog. So, it’s a well-regarding university right outside that big city that Barack Obama considers home.
The specific program was a masters in…how I can say this…first word, seven letters…if you are a physician, then you are a ——- doctor. Second word, a lot harder to give a Pyramid-type clue for, so let’s do it hangman style. Inf-r-a-i-s.
Anyway, that local university? The big private one in Durham. The professional school with the ‘Q’ in it offers a Masters of M–age—t in -l-n-c-l Inf-r-a-i-s. I spent the morning of my birthday last December sitting in on a class. I was really intimidated by it all…but fascinated and ALMOST determined to go for it.
BUT…I procrastinated…lots and lots of money for this program…it would hit me hard to go for it and be rejected…there were a few different deadlines to choose from, so procrastination was ok…
And then, back in February, I was given a very encouraging sign at work that I might very well be able to move to a very different position that would have given me a fresh career start. And so I procrastinated some more. It really did seem like it was going to happen…and then it didn’t…
And I decided to essentially settle for the online program (well, for only applying to the online program). And that’s what I did. And I got in.
And it doesn’t matter a lick today as October 2012 rolls in.
I can’t say I had a passion for that field. It’s interesting. I saw it as a “way out” of what I’ve been doing.
The thing is, I’ll take just about any remotely practical “way out” of what I’ve been doing. I probably have written about what exactly it is that I do, but I won’t right now. Those who know, know that it was a fluke thing to have gotten into it 15 years ago in the first place. Every few years, I have tried to get out of it. It’s more accurate to say that EVERY year, I’ve tried to get out of it. (I did, a couple of times, briefly, but…what I did during those hiatuses wasn’t worthwhile…)
So…for whatever it’s worth to anyone out there who knows the Myers-Briggs types, I’m an INFP. I just validated that again yesterday after having not looked at it for a few years. I won’t get into what being an INFP means. I’ll just say that I’ve known for 15 years that I NEED to be doing something else.
If it sounds frustrating to know you’ve been in the wrong line of work for 15 years and been unable to break free of it, it’s because it is.
Vented…done…I thought this was going to be a post about miscellaneous odds and ends. I actually stuck to one general topic. I should do this more.
You know I’m uneasy about getting comments on these kinds of entries. I especially would appreciate if family members would refrain from even acknowledging that you’re reading this. That makes this process easier. In fact, it makes it easier, overall, for me to be completely ignorant of who may have read this.