wow this is quite bad

Now is a time to worry. I may have the wrong timezone on the blog, but it is 4am, and I haven’t had a cessation of this one particular shooting pain in the past…15…16 hours. I mean, nonstop. I have taken more pain meds than I should. You’re probably thinking I should go to the ER. I would if I hadn’t had a half-dozen completely awful past experiences there. I have excellent access to the healthcare system, and yet I feel like it’s failing me right now. Like I said earlier, I feel compelled to take matters iinto my own hands, and that is dangerous.

Why am I dancing around this? This SHOULD scare if you’re reading this. I DON’T KNOW how I’m going to get through this right now. I’ve had paralyzing depression and kidney disease and been though dialysis, and a case of ‘$%)(%$ shingles is pushing me to the brink. I can’t handle one episode of pain? What the hell is wrong with me? I read just today about some horrific instances of torture. I know what people endure. I fold under relatively mild stressors.

Yet, I know I can’t help it. My nerves are damaged. Something has shortcircuited. Mind over matter isn’t cutting it.

Posting for the record. Will update…

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