February 14, 2004
No wonder I don’t seek out new friends nor do I get excited over the prospect of dating. Once someone gets to know me, they inevitably realize that they didn’t just catch me in a phase, that I’m always like how I’ve been, and they start asking why I don’t just change. The benevolence with which this suggestion is made is irrelevant; the point is that it makes me a hundred times shittier about myself before such comment was made, and I certainly can’t afford to associate with anyone who makes me feel a hundred times shittier about myself than I am capable of doing on my own.
…it just makes me loathe myself and the world once again. I know it grows tiresome and ridiculous for me to continue to harp on something I should’ve gotten over weeks ago, if I ever should’ve had anything to get over in the first place. No, I’m just appeasing the masses by saying that. I shouldn’t have gotten over anything, because it’s not in my nature to get over things. If I could get over this, I could get over every oozing wound I’ve had in my lifetime, and I’d be happy from time to time and would not be so sensitive to everything. Someone is liable to suggest that I like playing this role, that I continue to react the same way to situations because I’m so comfortable with how this feels. Wrong. I don’t want any advice from the peanut gallery. A simple, “I don’t quite understand, except that I understand you’re in pain, and I’m hear to listen” would suffice, but no one ever offers that, and frankly I don’t want it if I have to ask for it anyway.
Public entry…come friends and family who don’t know that this exists, give this a read. Those who know this exists, come tell me what a self-absorbed asshole I am and how I deserve to drown in my own vomit.
No, it’s not that this Valentine’s Day sucked. It’s that so did last year’s, and the one the year before that, and before that, and so on and so forth, every year when my sensitivity was just as acute as it is now. Well, just get over it, already! I wish that I could! Well, maybe you don’t really want to?? Well, Dr. Shrink, maybe I don’t, fine, you win, if it makes you feel better, although I don’t agree…