Undisclosed Location

Undisclosed Location 2011.02.04
While Anderson Cooper reports from an undisclosed location so that Egyptians don’t beat him up again, I blog from an undisclosed location because I needed to get away from home. It is difficult to explain why I couldn’t get sufficient rest at home. I suppose I tried to explain the other day. I suppose there’s no need to be so mysterious. I’m at a local hotel. It’s not a very nice hotel. But it’s free of distractions, other than the distraction of my own mind, which simply doesn’t know how to slow down and heal.

I present the mug above because it’s the reality of what I deal with. I could shave, and that will improve things a tad, and maybe I can get a haircut. But only plastic surgery and an unethical dermatologist can fix the rest.

No, seriously, I’m not accepting arguments on this. (Blog comments are off; FB comments I can’t stop. But I’m writing this as a monologue. I’m really not fishing for feedback). I look at my image, and I think, “Aw, shit, this is hopeless.”

There are lots of thoughts swimming around my head related to what comes next. I barely had started my new job before I had this surgery. I’ll presumably be back there within a couple of weeks, and life will mainly consist of juggling that and dialysis. And there will still be several significant voids to fill.

One move I’ve made that may result in some fulfillment has been the purchase of an SLR camera. I’ve thought about taking photography seriously for a long time. In order to really do that, I’ve needed to invest in a better photographic instrument. It’s caused me some anxiety to take the plunge on the purchase. It falls into a broad category of “things I should really consider getting” that include a fence for my dog, attic insulation, a bike, and a new mattress. It’s taken me several days to even open the box. I’ve done that now, and the result is in the super-graphic image above. My goal with this hobby is actually to capture some of the beauty in this world. I will work my way up.

It may seem ironic that I leave my house for rest, but I’m still up at 2:03am. I’ll be asleep soon.

I’ve got a follow-up appointment with my surgeon tomorrow morning. I treat it as a necessary exercise and not a helpful milestone in my recovery. I imagine I’ll first meet with the interns I came to resent. They’ll comment on how well my incisions have healed. They will have no way of evaluating the internal damage and just tell me how this will all take a little more time. And then a few hours later, I’ll go to dialysis, where I’ll just hope, as always, to leave with most of my blood intact and limited episodes of hot flashes and cold sweats. (I think I need to start researching where the post-dialysis hot flashes come from, since no one else will). At least I will follow dialysis by going home to a location that will not have a dog desperate for a walk and cats desperate for food. Whatever I choose to make/bring back for dinner can make a mess that I don’t need to care about. If I sweat through all of my cheaps and covers, I don’t have to care about living with the same bedding the next day.

Perhaps tomorrow I will open two weeks of mail that have piled up. My dear Aunt J sent me a card, and she deserves a reply, but I haven’t gone through my mail yet. Too stressful to do that at home. I will do that here, in my undisclosed location.

An addendum to tonight’s raw, comment-discouraging blog post:

You have successfully renewed the domain toastie.st for 2 year(s).
The new expire date is 2013-02-06.

I did contemplate not re-upping. There are lots of good reasons why this site is a bad idea for my time and my internet persona. But I couldn’t come up with a satisfactory alternate plan. I saved something like ten euros by opting for two years instead of one. So it will be another two years before I contemplate the purpose and value of this enterprise again.