1:02AM

The mere notion that I think finding a fix for my WordPress problem is post-worthy demonstrates how minimal my aggregate technical knowledge is.

I’ve got an ever-expanding mass of stuff that I just don’t know. Half a lifetime ago, I had loads of potential to do something…who knows what that could’ve been.

I walk around with the weight of the…well, my world on my back. Opportunities lost. Self unchallenged. Undone by hypersensitivity, unrequited romantic zeal, and depression-induced paralyis. Year after year, the story remains virtually unchanged. The calendar flips. The animals are a little older. My kidneys lose a bit more function on the journey to survival through artificial means.

This is writing at 1:02AM, when I have been trying to focus my mind on the reasons why I am prone to feelings of self-loathing. I’m barely scratching the surface right now. It may be quite inappropriate for me to further brainstorming in front of this audience.

Three simply reasons for self-loathing today, May 28, 2010:

  • I take 5 months to fix a simple WordPress problem
  • My dog will need further dental work, and he’s probably been in great pain; maybe some minimal attempt to brush him over the past two years could’ve lessened his pain
  • Within 500 feet of my house are dozens of Duke grad students and global researchers who are saving the planet is some very cool and admirable way. I used to run a radio stream of love songs. I was the salutatorian at my high school who concluded his speech, “I love you all!” Four months later, Duke CAPS had to refer me on to the real Duke psych people to make sure I wouldn’t be jumping off any buildings.

    Too much info for a blog posting.

    Toastiest the blog…is what it is…

    God, Flying Spaghetti Monster, Whatever…I am very lucky to have a remarkably supportive girlfriend in my life right now. K deserves a shout-out.

    Functioning with so much self-loathing is a gigantic task.

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    One thought on “1:02AM

    1. I give you 3 reasons why Toastie is cool:

      1.) He writes an awesome blog that probably helps dozens of people (at least…maybe more!) around the world affected in some capacity by kidney disease.

      2.) He is quite the dog, cat, general animal lover. Anyone who loves an animal is awesome in my book.

      3.) He dresses up and impressively imitates a famous “diabeetus” spokesperson.

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