A monday night party

Hoping for five and a half hours of sleep. I know people who have been doing this for five years. I’m only up to five months I can’t imagine another five months or five years.

My life is not just on hold because I’m on dialysis. It’s been on hold for 20 years. I didn’t make the most of my potential in high school. I was a failure of mediocrity in college. After a career of over a dozen years, I can’t describe to people what it is that I do. And that’s just my career.

I can’t tell someone what my interests are. What sports do I play? What music do I like? What do I do around the house?why don’t you hire someone to clean things up? Why don’t you just clean things up? Why do your clothes smell like rotten cat food? Why don’t you go to the gym? Why don’t you do yoga? Why don’t you get your ass out of bed on the weekends so you can help the chained dogs you claim you want to help?

Why do I let myself become paralyzed by feelings of weakness, incompetence, failure?

I do. It happens. And the path away from this is painfully elusive.

I censored a recent post in which I admiited having inhibitions compromised by AmBien. I can tend to admit to unsavory thought and behaviors.

Tonight I admit I am a broken mass of ineptitude.

And now I hope for five hours of sleep.


2 thoughts on “A monday night party

  1. Most people wouldn’t say this, but I admire your humbleness in this post. I also admire that you present yourself as you really are. I was just thinking, the definition of ineptness is the quality of having the wrong properties for a specific purpose. Or, at least that’s the definition that Princeton’s word net program gave. So you feel that you don’t fit in with how the world defines how you should live (go to the gym, clean up your house, find something that makes you happy, get involved in something, etc.) — is that right? If you have the wrong properties for your specific purpose (life, I assume), how do you get the right properties?

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