I think this will be a throwaway post. I feel like the blog requires an update, but I don’t feel like saying anything. To write about dialysis is to continue to be “the guy who’s on dialysis”, and that’s getting old. But I don’t feel like being “the guy who posts pictures of his pets” either. I know I come up with plenty of other stuff to write about besides kidneys and cats, but I don’t feel like writing about any of that stuff, either.
It’s in my best interest to get to sleep right now, but I remain awake and I’m not attempting to sleep for the same reason that has kept me awake thousands of times. I can’t accept that my day will end without any progress made towards any of my goals, and I cannot foresee how tomorrow will be better. I know how bleak this sounds to those who…well, to just about anyone who might read this. I don’t end the day with the sense that, “Well, I did the best I could today!” No, I didn’t. And if that’s being hard on myself, then the alternative is to have really low expectations for myself.
I’m talking in riddles right now, I know. I’m trying to get at something that’s far too weighty for a few paragraphs of a “throwaway” blog entry.
For what it’s worth, just writing anything right now has been helpful in getting me to the point where I think I can get some sleep. I admit it; just knowing that this is being read helps a whole helluva lot. Whatever that says about me, so be it.
I suppose I should take a moment to report that dialysis is going…ok. I guess I’m reluctant to go into details because dialysis going ok is not at all the same as me being ok. I’m not ok. And I’ll leave it at that for now.