I was going to write about feeling out of it and missing another day of work, but then I recalled that I just did that back on Thursday. Like then, I am at a loss as to how to describe the nature of what my body and mind are feeling. Well, maybe that’s not quite true. I could probably ramble on quite a bit about this malaise, but then I have to question the usefulness and appropriateness of sharing this.

I’ve been having this debate with myself for quite awhile now on the matter of when it’s appropriate for me to take some time off from work. I have very limited sick and vacation time to use. (While I accrue time off fairly generously, I have tended to need it liberally for sick time). So there is a financial pressure to work so that I don’t get docked for unpaid leave. I am not getting pressure, at least not anymore, to make it into work from those at work, although I still put a little of that on myself, as it’s just a fact that missing work gives one more to catch up once back at work. And I do feel guilty that things get held up when I miss work.

But the main conflict I have is whether I feel badly enough to take the time off. The fatigue and aches associated with all the abnormal things going on with my kidneys–their enormous size, the cysts, their low-functioning–might keep bedridden someone who suddenly felt the onset of all these symptoms. However, I am used to all this. I feel like this all the time. Not all of the symptoms are so bad all the time, but there’s always something to contend with, and, for the most part, none of it ever gets significantly better. And none of it is going to get significantly better, at least not until I begin dialysis.

“So if you’re probably going to start feeling better with dialysis, then why–”

– Getting up for 6AM sessions three times a week
– Feeling the pressure to work 40 hours on top of those three sessions
– A major overhaul of food and beverage consumption habits
– Risk of feeling worse
– Fear of winding up on a worse downward spiral than I feel I’m already on
– Feeling like I had 15 years of adulthood pre-dialysis to get my life in order, to build it into something I was content with, and having failed mightily to do that

It may seem like the logical step for me would be to start dialysis. I’m really not up for it yet, though.

But, in the mean time, I don’t know how to begin to feel at all better. Everyday, I feel like I’ve got these 20-pound weights on each side of gut, keeping me from getting out of bed, making me walk slowly, tiring me out after I walk my dog a couple of blogs, making me shift around in a chair that I’ve sat in for more than five minutes, and generally just making me feel like I slug.

I may soon be able to have one of the kidneys taken out, to give my other organs some more room…but 10% overall kidney function is a lot better than 5%, even if I’m on dialysis, and it’s hard to willingly give up any kidney function, even though, given time, it will be gone anyway.

So..that’s my rambling for today. Let’s see if I have a pet picture to soften up this post a bit…