Sleep problems…and a blunt assessment of stuff

20090119 Aremid Quasi-Curl

I snapped this photo of Aremid with the mobile around 6AM. I’ve been up all night. This is partially a result of having slept throughout much of the day over the last few days as I deal with post-surgery fatigue, pain, and nausea.

This is also the result of having Monday off and being mired in a state of endless contemplation. The way this past year seems to have worked, I have stammered from one health crisis to another. In between each crisis, there is a window of time within which I could theoretically plan…for something…make some plan for my life, which, for the most part other than the inevitable health crises, lacks any plan.

For the past couple of hours, I was specifically thinking about my career, and mostly how I have no career plan. I have a job that promises to continue to be woefully unsatisfying and no plan to move on to something else. For the purpose of this brain-dump, I will pretend that there is not a global economic crisis that could seemingly make it foolish for anyone with a stable job to think about leaving it. Scratch that…this isn’t about judging whether or not I am fortunate or not to have steady employment. The fact of the matter is that my morale has been shot for sometime and isn’t going to improve in 2009. My employer has either no need fr or no understanding of the specific skills that I bring to my job. I don’t mind being blunt about it right here and right now, as I think I have exhausted all reasonable means of dialogue over the past couple of years to improve this situation. If it weren’t the global economic crisis giving me significant pause, though, it would certainly be my health. My health is by far the main reason I tolerate a situation that drives me insane.

For a moment, I shall pretend that I will have a window of a year or so of good health. This is highly unlikely, but I will just presume it. Given that I have no remote idea of a reasonable career change, do I even consider browsing at other jobs similar to my current one, given that there likely to be different frustrations but perhaps better, more satisfying opportunities?

The answer might be easy, if the other factor were not that these other similar jobs are not here in North Carolina. They are in Washington, D.C. and New Jersey and California and Chicago and Milwaukee and all across the country, but most definitely not here and unlikely to materialize here.

Do I need a clean slate? I just told someone I was “happy” with the Triangle, that I can’t think of a better place to live, realistically. But what if there’s some significantly better place to spend nine hours a day? Is it perhaps worth considering starting anew, given that I don’t really have my non-work time filled up here with anything particularly noteworthy?

I AM NOT SUCCEEDING HERE IN DURHAM. I may have friends here. There may seem to be potential here. There is good healthcare here. But I am failure here. While true that a change of scenery does not solve one’s core problems, a change of scenery is a change of scenery, period, and that it could be of some benefit is not a notion I should so easily dismiss.

I really didn’t intend to launch into this post. I just like snapping photos of my sleeping pets…which, by the way, brings up another job problem. Most jobs in my specific field present themselves as contract positions or contract-to-perm. The chance to travel somewhere five days at a time or take up temporary residence for a few months comes with many of these positions. But I don’t consider these options, but I won’t leave my pets for five days at a time. Believe it or not, I’m actually tied to Durham more because of my pets than because of people. I once did contract work for four or fives days out of town at a time. I hated leaving the animals, I won’t do it with them in their senior years.

Oh, and alternatively, I can drop this whole don’t-like-my-job talk if I suddenly find myself in a fulfilling relationship…that’s a helluva lot more important to me to have in my life…but that, of course, is really impossible right now and a topic for another time.

I just want to be able to look at some part of my life and say, “That’s going pretty well”. And if you think I’m whining a bit too much, you do not understand just how long and painful that drought has been. And here I go again with the implication that I care what others think…and someone will say I shouldn’t care…and I’ll say how of course I care…and how I don’t quite get how anyone could write their thoughts publicly without thought of how others regarded them…and now I’m just rambling.


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