But I had technical problems. So the world is spared from that. The world is not spared from this, however, another instance of not-quite-random historical journaling from time in the distant or not-so-distant past, I really cannot divulge…
I came down with one of those old-fashioned depressions tonight. For nearly a month, I’ve been looking forward to […] I thought it would be a great chance to better connect with […]. I even got there an hour early […] to help set up. […] Now, I know it’s doubtful anyone gave my arrival much thought, and they were glad to have some extra help, but I felt like I was crashing something […]
I did speak to a few people, some of whom I had met before and some of whom I hadn’t. But after the event officially began […] and the crowd gradually grew, I felt more and more alone. Then came the point when I realized that I was at a party of happy people, and I seemed to be the alone person alone not enjoying himself. This is a scenario that’s been playing itself out for […] years, albeit not recently. What made this worse than some other similar situations was that I actually wanted to meet the people at this party. But not one cell of my body felt compelled to try to talk to people (or, rather, I needed another billion or so cells to feel compelled). […] asked at one point if I was doing alright. I gave a perfunctory, “Yeah”. I knew very well that I was projecting a brooding and withdrawn image, and I really tried my best to squash this. Years ago, I would have purposely failed to fight this presentation with the unrealistic hope that…someone would come “rescue” me, yada yada yada. Today, I accept that projecting my raw emotions (even silently as I do) only decreases the chances of having any meaningful social interaction. In the past, before I had learned this lesson, my abject disappointment over no one attempting to reach me made me feel even worse. Today, knowing that I have to try to put on an act, and then to still not have any meaningful social interaction, well, that makes me feel worse to.
The point is… (emphasis used, in case you got tired of reading the paragraph and skipped to down here) is that I left […] feeling lousy.
And I felt and still feel lousy despite having [..ensured myself of future social activities…] …trying to pole vault over the normal process of making friends and becoming a part of a community. I wish I could’ve come to the event tonight and said an emphatic “HEY!” as I saw people I knew. I wish I were really part of this gang […]. That takes time, though. I’m in a bit of a hurry. […]
And in addition to the usual social-anxiety-turned-depression, I feel lousy because […] It’s not debatable that a guy who comes to a party by himself and then walks around from point to point without really talking to anyone is kinda creepy.