I reference a CNN.com story, when I almost never even visit CNN.com since it’s basically an online tabloid, and suddenly I get all these visitors from all over the place. To these visitors, the sum of who I am is a few paragraphs of impromptu writing. This is an odd concept to wrap my mind around.
I do feel to the some degree that I ought not share opinions about important issues if I’m not willing to do anything productive towards changing things. By “anything productive”, I mean really getting involved in a cause. But I’ve tried that, and I don’t think it’s gone particularly well. I think one of the best feelings you can have is knowing you’re making a positive difference in someone’s life. At least, I imagine this is so.
A harsh reality is that it is imperative that I try to make a difference in my own life by focusing on the hundred or things that absolutely need focusing on. To the outside observer, such a statement may seem absurd. Someone may ask, “Ok, name one of these things.” I’ll do so. “And what’s stopping you from doing that?” And what follows is a series of judgments on the part of the questioner and bitter defensiveness on my part. It’s not that one task or another is particularly impossible. The sum of them all is just too much, by several factors. I haven’t really delved into what these “hundred” things are. For all my ridiculously uncensored self-disclosures, there are still areas of embarrassment and shame I don’t shine a light on in here.
Healthwise, it’s one thing after another after another. Where the heck did the tendinitis come from? (Bad side effects of antibiotics is my suspicion, but that’s beside the point). The point is, my focus is managing this pain and the bare essentials of taking care of myself and my pets. The impossible queue of other things just gets bigger in the meantime. And there’s a Big Bad around the corner, and it scares the hell out of me, because there is zero empirical evidence based on a lot of living that I’m going to be able to handle it.
I don’t have a coherent point to make in this post. I am loaded with so many contradictions. I have lots of things I wish to rant about, yet I know I do myself no favors by picking fights with the world, given that I need a few things from the world. I don’t want to be seen as self-absorbed, but I know that I am. I don’t want to feel as if I should care what people think of me as a result of what I write, and yet I think very much about what people think of me. This being said, I could get compliments and praise daily, and it wouldn’t change my underlying opinion of myself, which is usually pretty brutal.
I saw WALL-E for a second time tonight. 9/10, and I don’t feel like finding my slice-of-toast images. There are moments when WALL-E looks upon something greater than himself–the Earth or the stars–or EVE–with awe. I do that, too. But WALL-E manages to get over being so pathetic. He saves the day and gets the girl. Of course, the lesson to be taken away from WALL-E is that if you stalk someone for long enough, they’ll like you back.
There’s a pensive, haunting opening theme to WALL-E by Thomas Newman. I should stick it in here… Ok, now I have. Low bitrate, just an excerpt…