Post #1726

My fingers are cold. Clearly, the blood isn’t flowing to my hand as well as it used to before the fistula. My mother suggested I mention it to the surgeon tomorrow. However, she added that I should expect that whole left side of my body to feel colder from now on. Great. I had already found myself keeping my coat on at work over the past month, when I’ve actually gone to work.

One tends to have surgery to fix a problem and presumably feel better. I had this surgery as preparation for my health worsening. The well-meaning words, “Hope you feel better soon” are difficult to digest, because feeling better from this surgery just means I’m a step closer to being ready for dialysis…and the prospect of not truly feeling better for a good number of years.

This would all be considerably easier, I’m sure, were it not for my pre-existing and intractable depression. I had worried for a number of years—10, 15, maybe more–that I’d fail to beat or at least somewhat successfully manage my depression prior to the kidneys failing. And, to be sure, I actively tried as hard as I could with as much will as I could muster, to avoid this fate. I have intentionally avoided some grand post delving into my depression, since I kinda like having a few readers, and I suspect nothing can make a personal blog more unreadable than to turn into a daily journal about depression. I toss this nugget out now, almost casually, because it’s part of the story of how I deal with this kidney disease. Actually, it’s an enormous compounding factor…with this and with everything. Completely avoiding the subject is more awkward than mentioning it. At the same time, I’m tucking this paragraph away in a non-descript entry, since a part of me recognizes that this impulsive tangent might be a bad idea.

So I’ll return to the subject of my left arm now. It’s black-and-blue. There are still gauze-like stitches that should dissolve soon. My arm still aches with activity, including typing. If I reach down at the wrong angle, a sharp pain runs through my wrist and hand. And my fingers are cold. And that’s that.